What you think matters to me

A few posts back I wrote about how much I value other people's opinions of me. Since I've lost some weight I've noticed this has actually become worse instead of better. Now I constantly want other people's approval, I want them to validate me. If they don't see me as worthy of their attention and compliments, then I think I'm worthless.

I don't know how to get past this, I don't know how to let go of caring what the world thinks of me. When I was at my heaviest weight of almost 240 pounds I knew what everyone thought of me and what I thought of myself. I was fat, physcially out of shape, ugly and a sexless blob. I thought that about myself and really didn't much care what anyone else thought.

Now that I've lost a little weight, I feel a little better about myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think that maybe I'm not a totally ugly person. Maybe my body isn't totally gross and maybe I'm just a little bit sexy and desirable. Let one person say or act like I'm not any of these things and I'm right back to my fat-girl thinking (minus the not caring what other people think about me).

I wish there was a magic pill I could take, not to make me thin, but to give me self-confidence and self-esteem. I'm so down on myself all the time, I hate that about me. If I see other people do this to themselves I'm always quick to point out that they shouldn't feel that way. I tell them how wonderful they are, how nice they look, and that they should stop with the self-criticism. If only I could follow my own adivce.