I am a mirror

I have a major flaw (actually I have several, but this one is driving me nuts today). I let what other people think of me determine what I think of myself. If other people see me as a sweet, kind and attractive person, then I feel good about myself. If others see me as mean, bitchy and ugly, then I feel bad about myself.

How stupid is that? Why do I let what someone else thinks about me determine what I think of myself. I know me better than anyone else, shouldn't how I feel be based on what I think of myself? I'm always a mirror of other people's opinions.

Today as my husband and I were getting ready to go out for the day, he kept asking me about his appearance. Do these shorts look good on me? What about this shirt, do you like it? Do you like these shoes? Each question was answered with a yes, it looks nice on you. Very cute. Yes, nice shoes, I like them (I should, I picked them out). This was all brought about because I took him on a clothes shopping trip yesterday. The man can't or won't buy clothes on his own. He needs a personal shopper with him and that would be me.

Finally in frustration I asked him, "What about me? Do I look nice?". He just looked at me and said of course, you always look nice. He use to tell me this every single day when I weighed 240 pounds, probably because I was really down on myself then and he was trying to boost my confidence. Lately I've noticed the compliments have really diminished since I've lost weight (57 pounds). I asked him why he doesn't compliment me anymore like he use to when I was really heavy. He said he thought I knew I looked nice. I told him no, I don't know that. I need you to say it to me, that's the only way I know.

Later I thought to myself, why do I care so much what he thinks? Why is it when he says I look cute or pretty or nice, why does that mean so much to me? Or if he tells me how sweet I am, I love it because then I believe I'm a worthwile human being. I guess because it validates me, and because I don't trust myself. If he thinks I'm attractive and sweet, it must be true, right?

Sometimes I think I'm pathetic.