This has been the forefront thought in my brain lately, don't fucking screw this up again! I'm talking about my weight. I'm talking about every time in the last ten years as I reach 160 pounds, 25 pounds from my goal of 135, I screw it up. Every single time.
The last time I was below 160 was in 1997. I weighed 124 pounds. I was a vegetarian and doing high impact aerobics classes four times a week. I looked like hell, but I was skinny. My hair started falling out from lack of protein, and I was starving all the time. I gave up the aerobics and being a vegetarian. In less than a year I was back up to 200 pounds.
During the last 12 years I've gotten down to 160 pounds at least five times. Then I fuck up. Why? I think have an idea what causes this stupid behavior. It's because as I get close to goal I realize my life isn't going to change. I won't be over the top happy or rich or beautiful. I'll still be me, living my same life, working the same job, living in the same house, driving the same car. Arguing with my husband over the same stupid stuff we've argued about for 20 years. The big picture isn't going to change. I believe that subconsciously I realize this and that's when I say screw it, it's not worth all the hard work and all the deprivation.
This time I'm focusing on the positive and there's a lot of positive. These are just a few reasons to not screw it up:
1. Sex, better and more often
2. Better relationship with my husband (he says I'm happier, more like the girl he married)
3. Clothes - OMG! The clothes. Every thing fits in my closet. Suddenly I love shopping. I have trouble in the mornings deciding what to wear because everything fits and looks good. I have too many clothes.
4. I feel so good, full of energy, my brain feels like it's "on" all the time
5. I don't feel 53 and people don't think I'm 53
6. I can run a 10-minute mile. I love looking in the mirror at the gym. I know that sounds conceited, but it's not because I think I'm cute or anything. It's because of my muscles. I can see muscles! Eleven months ago I was mortified by the mirrors at the gym and would cringe whenever I caught a glimpse of myself. Now it makes me smile and work out even harder.
8. I have more confidence, in all areas of my life.
Life is definitely better now than it was 77 pounds ago. It's not perfect and it won't be perfect when I lose 104 pounds. That's okay. Perfect would be kind of boring anyway. I can live with this life. I couldn't live with the one I had at 239 pounds. That wasn't a life worth living. This is why I'm not going to screw it up this time.
6 comments:
My crucial number seems to be 200. It was what I weighed my first day of first grade and the lowest I got after a 110 lb loss to overcome infertility. That was almost 18 years ago, and I am 25 pounds from that point right now. It makes me scared, mainly because of the fact that I conceived at that weight. I am 50 yrs old, no plans for any future children, but for some reason I have this fear that the universe is watching to see that number appear on the scale again and jump out to scream "surprise !" Like you, I am being extra vigilant of myself and pushing through this to goal. Numbers can be funny things in our heads.
I suggest that you bookmark your own post and read it often! Especially the last paragraph. :o)
Heck, print a copy of the last paragraph and post it on your fridge, in your car, on your bathroom mirror and even on you desk at work! Just keep on reminding yourself about how far you have come.
Unfortunately, I completely understand your thinking. At least you make it down to 160 pounds. I, on the other hand, can't make it to my first 10%! I always seem to sabotage my efforts the minute someone starts complementing me.
This time, it was my sister. And I had only lost 20 pounds. Now, I'm having so much trouble getting back on plan.
Although, I hate that you are going through this, I do find some comfort in knowing that I am not alone in sabotaging my efforts.
And 53 years old? I never would have guessed it! Girl, you look fantastic!
Hi, Diana - I just wanted to let you know that I was in the same boat a year ago. I was 163 pounds -the heaviest I had ever been, even bigger than when I was pregnant and I had to make a change. You can check my progress on my blog.
I had similar reasons (mostly numbers 1 - 4). I am working my hardest not to screw it up, too. Here's wishing both of us the best of luck in our journey! :0)
hey I wondered onto your site off another weight loss blog and really enjoyed your post. Its so realistic and truthful. I totally dig the fact that you can see being at your goal weight wont solve all of life's problems. Then on the other hand I think its great that you outlined the pros of being at your healthy goal weight. I totally agree with Skye's the limit in saying you should book mark this post and refer to it on occasion. Anyway, refreshing post thanks for putting it out there for us.
You are definitely NOT going to screw up this time, Diana! You have so much already to be proud of and you gave us a lot to think about. Thank you!
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