Sanity has returned

I took a couple days off from blogging to sort of regroup myself. I was spiraling down a dangerous hole of binge eating every night. Each night around 11pm, when my husband was sound asleep, I would raid the kitchen, stuffing myself with healthy food. This made it unhealthy in the quantities I was consuming. It wasn't even a satisfying binge, it was frustrating because the only thing to eat was healthy junk. No chocolate or candy or cake, no full-fat anything. Why even bother eating this stuff when it was so unsatisfying? I don't have a logical explanation other than I'm C-R-A-Z-Y.

On Saturday I started reading The Beck Diet Solution: train yourself to think like a thin person. I haven't been able to put it down. I also haven't had a binge since Friday. I highly recommend this book if you have a problem with food. It's about cognitive therapy and provides steps you have to do every day for six weeks, to retrain your brain and how it deals with food. I'm only on day four but I've seen an incredible change in my relationship with food. The author talks about "sabotage talk" and "helpful talk". I've been so into the sabotage talk it's a wonder I got as far as I have with losing weight. The book isn't a specific diet at all, you can use any nutritionally sound diet (such as Weight Watchers), it's more about how to think about food and how to deal with hunger. I'll keep you posted how it goes.

Tonight is my first official session with my personal trainer, Debbie. I'm actually looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time. The free session was difficult, but fun and the hour flew by. I need this and know it's a good for me, but a little part of me is doing the sabotage talk and whining to myself about how I don't want to go and how much it's going to hurt. When I should be saying this will be fun, it'll help me lose weight to get to my goal, and I'm lucky I can afford a personal trainer. That's helpful talk versus what I've been saying to myself.

Once again, I want to thank Melissa and her blog Coming Clean: Tales of A Disordered Eater for recommending The Beck solution. Without her I doubt I would have found this book and possibly the solution to my lifelong warped relationship with food.