In honor of my first personal training session tonight

This is an email that's been going around at work this week. How appropriate and too funny!

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is
something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone
who ever attempted to get into a regular workout
routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local
health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high
school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it
would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself
as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed,
but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is
something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted
her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups , although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole
time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC
week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a
heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life
for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too
perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds,
she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda
put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit
too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a
full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late -
it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she
was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent
another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine

which I sank.

_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history of the
world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the damn bar bells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the
machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength
to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will
also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit)
will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root
canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted
me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with
diamonds!!!