My marriage and my weight

What does my marital happiness and the status of my weight have to do with with each other? Everything.

Today is my 20th wedding anniversary. We met 21 1/2 years ago, and it was love at first sight. We dated every day after that until we got married a year and a half later. We both said we knew from the first moment that the other one was "the one". Even in spite of a great beginning, and in spite of the fact we have very similar values and desires, the past 20 years has had some rough spots. Once we (okay, it was me) seriously contemplated divorce, about 15 years ago. It was the first time my weight got up to 200.

At the moment, we're in a good place in our marriage (I weigh 172). I hope we can hold on to this for longer than a few weeks or a few months. I know there will always be ups and downs, that just what happens when two people live together. Going on vacation together and doing things together is what makes us work better together, it helps make us not want to kill each other when we have to deal with all the boring day to day crap.

Last weekend my husband told me some things that I already knew, but needed to be reminded. First of all, he said that he's a reflection of me, of my attitude. It's always been this way. If I'm happy, loving, sweet, considerate then he gives the same right back to me. If I'm a bitch, a nag, whiny, in a rotten mood, guess what, he gives that right back to me as well and we usually end up in a fight. It's not always like this because sometimes he has bad days too, all on his own without my help, but about 95 percent of the time I set the tone for both of us for the day.

The second thing is that over the years it's become clear to both of us that my weight rules my attitude. If I'm fat, I'm not a happy person. I'm difficult to live with, mainly because my self-confidence is in the toilet. I don't think I'm attractive, I'm ultra sensitive about everything. I don't want to do things, I especially don't want to go places where there are people. Then when I lose weight, I change. I'm much happier and have a better attitude about everything. My self-confidence shoots up about 100 percent. He said I'm always switching gears on him because my weight has gone up and down a lot over the past twenty years.

My husband said it's like he lives with two different women, the fat, sad, depressed one, and then the thin, happy and 'life is great' one. By the way, he doesn't use the word "fat", that's me talking. He uses the "when you're not happy with your weight" phrase, he knows better than to ever call me fat. Of course, he prefers that latter wife, the happy, thinner one. She's much easier to live with and a lot more fun. I actually prefer that version of me too. Plus, that's the woman he met, fell in love with and married. He never knew the other side of me until about five years into our marriage when I gained a lot of weight.

I wish I wasn't like this since it means I've spent a lot of time in the past 20 years being miserable and making my husband's life miserable. This alone should make me want to stay OP and exercise. Nothing beats a good marriage to make life sweeter. Here's to another 20 years, and to me reaching my goal weight and maintaining it.

Exercise yesterday, 8/18/08
30 minutes elliptical
11 minutes stair climber (aka killing machine)