Oh fudge!

I have a friend that never says the F-word. Instead, she says "oh fudge!" when something bad happens. Well, may I just say "Oh fudge I ate all the damned fudge!". 

When we got home yesterday at noon, there were two Christmas gifts from neighbors by our front door. One was a container of homemade fudge, and another container of homemade Christmas cookies (containing those damned Russian Tea cookies). 

I resisted until about 8pm last night. Then I honestly don't know what happened. It's like I became a woman possessed. I ate fudge until I felt like I was going to throw up. Then I got into the cookies and ate all the Russian Tea cookies (about a dozen). Then some iced sugar cookies, then more fudge.

I went to bed in a remorseful, sugar-induced stupor. Obviously I'm not cured of my compulsive eating problem. 

I'm hating myself this morning, calling myself every name in the book. I'm trying to forgive myself for being so stupid and move one. I am human after all, and I'm bound to make mistakes. But this was a big one. I'm still not sure what came over me. 

I know I was very tired when we got home. There were too many late nights and too many mornings getting up early. Even though I had fun with my in-laws all week, it was still somewhat stressful because I want them to like me. Even after twenty years I still feel like I have to be "on" the entire time. You know, nice, funny, charming, and interested in everything they have to say. I don't really feel like I can totally be myself like I can with my own family. 

Whatever the reason for my binge, it's over and done with. The leftover fudge and cookies went down the garbage disposal as soon as I got up this morning (not that there was that much left). Today is a new day and I'll eat my lousy 20 points and hitting the gym for an hour. All I can say about last night is "Oh fudge, I screwed up!".